The Best Gifts for a Long-Term Girlfriend, Boyfriend, Partner, or Fleshlight

What are the gifts that are surefire ways to impress your loved ones for the holidays? Well, there’s always furniture (heavily branded by their favorite designer labels), prime picks from the metaphorical pumpkin spice patch, or sex toys for, shall we say, “unconventional” desires. The stress of holiday shopping is enough to have someone ripping open a package of CBD dog bones and consider using them for human consumption—because how on Earth could you one-up the holiday gifts you gave out a few years ago? Take a deep breath, pull up a bean bag chair, and hunker down for some relationship advice from us (your complimentary cool uncles) about the best gifts to give a long-term partner.

We would be lying if we said that money didn’t make a difference when you’re shopping for a really nice present; James Bond villain-worthy vacation pads in Mexico cost coins and take some serious planning. But that’s the thing: More so than money, the best gifts for your long-term boyfriend, girlfriend, or partner require some strategy—and a flair for drama. Why gift them the smol Le Creuset Dutch oven (damn, it is pretty cute, actually), when you could gift them a piece of five-quart-capable cookware that your children, or at least your Giga Pet, will inherit once we’ve all died? Why gift them the standard, torso-sized art book from TASCHEN when you could gift them a David Hockney book so beautiful that it comes with its own piece of furniture? 

Whether you’re shopping for presents under $100 or looking to drop some once-in-a-lifetime Benjamins, here are the best presents for someone you’ve been in a relationship with for a really long time (and who is expecting something really nice this year).

Did this charming bike roll off a Wes Anderson film set? Just look at those chrome accents, affixed bottle opener, and little bell for ring-a-dinging down the confetti’d streets once the war is over.

A certain colleague of ours here at VICE divulged their holiday shopping hack: Buy a grip of nice candles at the top of the gifting season, and then keep them on deck for when you’re stumped on what to cop for that “special” someone or last-minute gifts (because let’s be honest: the ones closest to you are likely to be the last ones you shop for). But since this one’s for your long-term boo, this Voluspa candle is larger than a small dog, and will possibly outlast an entire year’s worth of small talk with the in-laws, packing a notable 250 hours of burn time. That’s a total of roughly 22 Lord of the Rings (extended) trilogy binge watches, and almost enough time to figure out why you’re weirdly obligated to buy gifts for [insert: coworkers, in-laws, neighbors] this holiday season. At least you can get the fringe benefit of sweet, endless aromatherapy via Japanese cypress and black musk.

Waking up on Sunday morning and making a pour over or going to the corner cafe is fun, but if there’s work to be done in the bedroom, why not just set it and forget it? This drip coffee machine is not only seductive and chic, but it makes incredibly good coffee and could not be easier to use. The Moccamaster (which we recently reviewed) is a great present for your coffee-loving partner… but the real gift is what you’ll do with all the time you save from using it.

Glug glug, Betty. It’s one thing to gift your hunny a really nice bottle, but it’s another entirely to give them the gift of picking up their wine tab for the next year. That’s love. MYSA has a variety of wine subscriptions you can choose from, starting with a one-month subscription of three bottles. Personally, we shall be going all out on their three bottles per month, 12-month subscription, because every vino is so well-curated, comes with tasting videos and food pairing suggestions, and the bottles look cool enough to make us hoard them on our counter, millennial-style.

You may have been in a relationship for years, but you both know that the only person who’s really receiving any love and attention is your four-legged roommate. Earn some brownie points with both your S.O. and your dog by upgrading their wardrobe. Now that the pooch is swaddled in Versace, they know that you really ~get~ the love hierarchy that’s at work here.

There are Dutch ovens, and then there’s Le Creuset. The French cookware brand has mastered the art of elevating cast iron in the kitchen for nearly a century with cookware that retains and spreads heat evenly, is dishwasher-safe, and is tough as nails. Gift your boo one of the cult brands BIG Dutch ovens—as in, the five-and-a-half quart daddies that could roast an entire extended family of Cornish game hens—and your love will know that you’re in this for the long haul. That, and the Bolognese. 

You spend a lot of time arguing over the Roku remote, so you might as well make the streaming experience home-cinema-worthy. This is one of the top-rated indoor-and-outdoor-proof projectors on Amazon; with thousands of reviews and happy film-nerd customers. “This [screen] is sharp, the lens has minimum distortion and the brightness is very even,” writes one reviewer, “[it] projects a real 300" image, [and even] 4-5 meters away from the screen [it’s] still crisp!! Quality for your money!!” S O L D !  

On the other hand, you may not be a projector household (fair; that setup takes up space and time). Luckily, the latest smart TV from Amazon is premiering at a ~special~ low price, so your loved one can watch House of the Dragon on a 4K UHD screen that they actually have space for in their railroad apartment. 

…But it will definitely make your love feel richer, once the Bellagio-worthy waterworks caress their heinie. It’s definitely not the gift to share with someone who you wouldn’t be comfortable talking about personal hygiene with, but if you’re S.O. are truly in a serious relationship, that love will need to translate to every room in the house—especially the bathroom. We’re bum over noggin’ for Tushy’s classic bidet, because it can be installed in most toilets by complete handiwork cretins in 20 minutes, and gives you a lifetime of backdoor pampering. As one of VICE’s writers said in an honest review of the Tushy Classic, “owning a bidet doesn’t make you better than anyone else—it just brings you closer to god.”

The Ergatta rowing machine is a work of art. Crafted out of cherry wood and powered only by the waters of Poseidon and those sweet, meaty thighs of yours, the fitness apparatus is the kind of aspirational home gym centerpiece we’ve been wanting for ages. It’s a pièce de strength training résistance, working all of your muscles however hard you would like as you get your Oxford-level row on. Or, they can take a casual, virtual trip downstream like a frog on a lily pad [passes joint]. It’s not cheap, but it also comes with a virtual workout screen and complimentary home installation by a professional, so all you have to do is smash that order button and get ready to work those glutes.

If you and your partner enjoy a nice bottle of wine every now and then, level up your storage situation by picking up a dope wine fridge. Sure, you can keep scouring the floor of the pantry or the back of the refrigerator for a bottle every time the mood strikes, but ask yourself: Is that really sexy? No. What is sexy is having a cold bottle of sparkling ready at all times and knowing exactly where it is.

Just because you’re shopping for gifts for someone you love doesn’t mean you need to break the bank to prove you care. Of course, if you have a cool half a G around, you could hook them up with a Theragun Pro, the Lambo of home massagers…

…But what if you could offer them the same muscle-pounding power for way less? Case in point: the Olsky Handheld Electric Body Massager. This massage gun packs all the punch of a Theragun at a significantly more palatable price tag, without sacrificing any pain pulverizing power. We’ve raved about Olsky’s massager for months now, so there’s little reason for you not to pop this in your shopping cart. You know you’re not a masseuse. Your partner definitely knows you’re not a masseuse. You may not be able to workout the tightness in your partner’s neck or wrists (gearing up for the holidays is hard work!), but you can definitely hold the Olsky for them while they unwind on the couch.

Being with somebody for a long time is great—you learn a lot about each other, you find things you enjoy doing together, you share some of your deepest fears and dreams. That said, after years and years, sometimes you need a little inspiration for things to do. Once you’ve seen every episode of Law and Order and have done that one weird sex thing that took you 10 years to get to… it’s time to get into Scrabble. Because nothing says “I love you” like beating their goddamn ass with some words that can’t possibly be real (but somehow are). 

What’s better than the IRL Michael Jordan? A poseable, 90s-revived Team USA Jordan that comes with an extra dozen [toots air horn] hands for getting nothing but net, and endless hours of play time with your sweet B-ball nerd. This cult collectible is made by Japan's Medicom Toy company, which has dommed the collectible figurine game since the 90s on a globally coveted scale thanks to their insanely detailed creations. Don’t be surprised if your girl leaves you for him, once that Toy Story moment comes. Can you blame her?  

This David Hockney art book by TASCHEN is so beautiful, and so massive, that it literally comes with its own piece of post-modern furniture—designed by the equally impressive Marc Newson—to prop it up (here’s a more bite-sized take, if your budget is $25). Sure, we’ve know that streetwear furniture and home goods can be rare, elusive, and exciting to give (and receive!) but those pieces pale in comparison to this. There are only 9,000 of these tomes in the world, and the scale of the book gives you an unprecedented look into the artist’s 60-year career. It’s the closest you’ll get to sitting poolside for a chat with the legend himself. 

Designer Betony Vernon has been crafting award-winning, erotic pieces of jewelry that double as veritable works of very horny art for decades. Normally, you’d probably have to make an appointment at her atelier in Italy to cop a studded silver choker or fluffy tickler ring, but 1stDibs started carrying a sweet selection of her creations. We’re very into this S&M cocktail (we repeat: COCKTAIL) ring. 

Sometimes the best gift for your girlfriend, boyfriend or partner is the sound of silence. Unfortunately, since that’s not something you can easily wrap up and deliver in a box, you could always go with the next best thing: Noise-canceling headphones. Jokes aside, we’ve uncovered several options that are perfect for blocking out background noise while traveling—which is perfect before, during and after the holiday season. That said, it’s hard to top the appeal of Apple’s AirPods Pro, which—aside from packing major name recognition—include a wireless charging case, customizable fit and, of course, Active Noise Cancellation.

Your partner may be begging for a hot weather vacation this holiday season, and a trip to Mexico may be just the ticket. But why travel like every other schmuck who’s heading to Cabo or Cancun, when you can vacation like a MFing Bond villain? Located on “a private ranch near Puerto Aventuras,” stay in a private cenote (see: cave) and lock out the world where the hosts “can prepare [a] romantic evening for you and your partner as [a] surprise with your dinner, candles, and Champagne.” If roughing it in a cave is a little too aggro for a romantic getaway, then the nearby tipi (which, yes, has a normal bed and more traditional amenities) is the perfect place to fall asleep to the sounds of the surrounding jungle. Whether you’re planning on affirming your love, or, you know, planning world domination, this could be just thing to have you and your boo rolling into 2023 with a bang.

Private Romantic Cave; sleeps up to 2, $100/night on Airbnb

Cheers to the lucky ghoul who gets your heart during this holiday season. (Hit us up if you book that private cave, we’re down to head underground.) 

Check out more VICE Gift Guides here.

The Rec Room staff independently selected all of the stuff featured in this story. Want more reviews, recommendations, and red-hot deals? Sign up for our newsletter.