This article originally appeared on VICE Italy.
Ask VICE is a series where readers ask VICE to solve their problems, from dealing with unrequited love to handling annoying flatmates. Today we’re hoping to help a reader who is struggling to find a balance between being nice to her loved ones and honouring her own boundaries.
Hi VICE,
I’ve always thought of myself as a supportive and open person, the kind of mate who’s always ready to lend a helping hand. Maybe I might have a problem saying no, but I didn’t think that trait actually defined me.
Then I read a tweet about how people who always say yes to anyone are often considered assholes when they decide to be less accommodating. It got me thinking: Am I a people-pleaser? Have I become so fixated on being liked and feeling like I belong – both sentiments I associate with my teenage years – that I’m afraid I’ll disappoint people if I become less available?
When I think about my own behaviour, to my mind, the answer to these questions is a massive yes. Now I can’t stop seeing my relationships through this lens. I think of how I set aside some of my personality or thoughts to adjust to the person in front of me, or how I apologise for things I have nothing to do with to avoid conflict. The thing that makes me stop and think the most has to do with my last relationship. Out of fear I’d alienate this person, I preferred not to be the one to end the relationship, even though I knew we were on a different page.
Now that I’m dating again, I’m afraid I’m overcomplicating things. Will I be stuck in the same situation once again? What’s the line between kindness and people-pleasing? How do I stop being so scared of being seen as undesirable or unlikeable? And what will happen if I continue on the same path? Maybe I’m just tripping.
Thanks, R.
Hi R.,
Your “trip” is pretty normal. Human beings are social animals who, by nature, need feedback and validation. But, as you mentioned, we interact with each in very different ways. And that’s really the point of this conversation: Do we know how others perceive us?
“A people-pleaser always tries to make others happy, in any situation and at any cost,” says Gianluca Franciosi, a Milan-based psychotherapist specialised in relationships. That much is clear, obviously, but as you identify in your own letter, sometimes it’s hard to tell the difference between people-pleasing and kindness in a more general sense.
That difference comes down to “the context, frequency and, above all, self-awareness” of that behaviour, Franciosi suggests. For instance: Do you say yes to just about anyone no matter what? Or are there people or situations you have no problem saying no to?
Most people at least somewhat adapt their communication style to the person they’re interacting with based on their relationship with them and the purpose of that conversation. Let’s say you’re talking with a new colleague – you might consciously decide to be more accommodating to obtain some kind of advantage, like working towards a promotion or simply wanting to have a pleasant interaction. “This,” Franciosi says, “is a form of functional adaptation.”
But for people-pleasers, this process of adaptation goes further, resulting in relationships where their individual “desires, needs and personal convictions are totally repressed,” Franciosi says. In those cases, “the social component of being accepted and meeting other people’s expectations trump everything”.
In the long run, this can be counterproductive, largely because it offers people-pleasers no scope to “manifest their real personality,” he adds. Trying to please everyone around you can, ironically, make you seem more uptight because you’re not free to be spontaneous and show your authentic self. On top of that, “others can also end up feeling unsure of who you really are and where you really stand”, Franciosi continues.
Our tendencies to be agreeable or aggressively self-interested are on a spectrum, with these two opposite character traits at either end. Each of us “fluctuates on this spectrum,” Franciosi explains. “The two extremes are dysfunctional, but there’s a lot of behaviours in between them. When we realise we’re getting closer to one edge, that’s when it’s worth taking action.”
Based on your letter, Fanciosi can’t really tell whether or not you are a “true” people-pleaser. However, you’ve clearly made yourself too available to those whom you care about most, even when you wanted to focus on something else.
Now that you’re getting older, you’ve also begun to realise that you need a bit more emancipation and self-love in your life. “That doesn’t mean being selfish, but rather understanding that you can improve your degree of satisfaction with any given relationship,” Franciosi explains.
You ask what would happen if you didn’t make some tough decisions out of fears of being dislikable. “In the long run, being dissatisfied with a relationship can cause stress, breakdowns and physical symptoms,” Franciosi says. If you’re in a dysfunctional relationship, your partner could also start taking advantage of you.
So how do you actually go about overcoming these anxieties? It’s a process that takes time, Franciosi admits, but the first step is understanding whether you’re agreeing to do something for someone because they’ve convinced you that it’s a good idea or simply because you want them to like you. After that, you need to teach yourself to be more assertive in your communication. It’s tough, but once you’ve made your position clear, you’re less likely to walk it back.
You also need to rethink your position towards conflict. It might seem scary, but “conflict is also useful, because it can give you the feeling of being a whole person who is true to their positions”, Franciosi says. That’s also a trait that people like and appreciate. In the long run, clearly communicating your needs and boundaries will earn you real, long-term respect.
Dating can be a great training ground in this sense. Since new people know very little about you, you might feel more confident in taking an assertive stance when the occasion arises than with someone closer to you. In time, you’ll also need to internalise the idea that if you say no to a loved one, it doesn’t mean that they’ll love you less or change opinions of you. If it does, they’re the ones with the problem – not you.
Ultimately, “it’s impossible to be liked by everyone,” Franciosi says. “That doesn’t automatically mean they don’t like you either. They could also be indifferent towards you, and that’s perfectly fine, too”.